6 Tips To Deal With The Negative Comments That Come With Self Improvement

One of the unfortunate downsides of starting
to make positive changes in your own life is that as you do that, people around you
sometimes get negative, and unfortunately, it can be the people who are closest to you. It doesn’t matter what it is. I’ve seen it
in the fitness run, whether you’re starting a new fitness regimen. I’ve seen it with people
beginning new businesses, and I’ve certainly seen it with people who follow tips on this channel
to become more charismatic. Sometimes, the people closest to you just do not like it,
and, now, it seems like you’ve started to invite this negativity into your life. So, in this video, what I want to do is give
you 6 things that have helped me to deal with this and it’s across the board, whether it’s
been fitness, entrepreneurship, getting better at being more charismatic, being more social. If you’re starting to get negativity for the
choices that you’ve made, particularly, ones with the growth-related subject, I want to
help you to deal with that in the future. So here’s the first tip. I call it the “Toddler
Technique” and the reason is this. If you’ve ever seen a toddler run around and fall, which
they do all the time, when they get back up, the first thing they do isn’t just burst into
tears. The first thing a toddler does when they fall and they scraped their knee, is
they get up and they look around, and they see who is looking at them, and how are they
reacting. And when you have a mom who comes screaming
across the room, screaming at the toddler, “Oh, my god, are you okay?” That kid goes,
“Ahhh,” and you just see the waterworks explode. But I’ve also seen the same thing, I’ve seen
kids go down hard, and the parent just goes, “Hoopsie Daisy, there you go.” And they keep
running and playing. I bring this up because people don’t actually
change much when they grow up, right? These ambiguous situations when we don’t know how
to behave, we look for the people around us to tell us what we should do. And what this
means is that when people are being negative to you, they’re actually looking to you to
tell them, “Should I continue or should I shut up?” So one of the best things to do when people
start being negative and kind of in an oblique, passive-aggressive way is to simply ignore
it. Take the wind right out of their sails. So, if somebody makes a comment, say that
you start going to the gym, and they say, “Oh, Brian is like super obsessed with the
gym now.” A really easy thing to do is shoot him a glance, go back, if there’s someone
else, talk to them and bring up a completely different subject. And if they say that, you
can look at them or continue on with whatever it is you’re doing, whether you’re walking.
Ignore that thread. Now one of the things that you might be tempted
to do is realize that there’s an attack underneath it. Don’t engage it yet, right? We’ll talk
about what to do if you do get into a back and forth, but for now, 50% of the negative
comments that you get can be dealt with by simply ignoring them. People are hyper aware
when they say something and it just goes over on dead air; a very, very powerful technique. So, say that they do continue, right? Say you ignore it
once and they start to get passive-aggressive in their line of questioning, and I can think
of one that is very, very particular to me. I was a Philosophy major, which meant that
in college I got this question all the time, “What are you going to do after college?”
In fact, some people would be very passive-aggressive about it and they’d say, “What are you gonna
do after school? You’re gonna open up a Philosophy store?” And I swear to God I got that dozens
and dozens of times, and I would see that underneath that question there was this attack. I would
see they’re saying Philosophy is dumb. It’s not economically viable. You shouldn’t be
doing it. And I would begin to address all of those questions, “Well it’s good for this
reason,” and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And we get into a back and forth, and eventually,
they just think it was dumb. The fastest, easiest way that I found to deal
with it was by purposely misinterpreting passive aggressive questions as if they were literal.
So what that means–I know it’s a lot of like complicated words–is this; they say, “What
do you do, open up a Philosophy store?” And I’d go, “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
And then, talk about anything else. The same sort of principle as the “Ignore Technique.” What you’d do right here is you’d take the
wind out of their sails. They’re trying to go down a path of being passive aggressive,
getting you to bite, engage, get riled up. Don’t do it. Treat it as a literal question,
which brings me to the third thing. If you have done this kind of stuff, what
you’re going to see is that people, now, are either going to be direct or they’re going
to back off. If they back off, great. What you might have done now is invite them to
a direct conversation about why they think you’re vain for doing fitness, or why they
think a Philosophy degree is stupid, or why do they think your business is going to fall
flat on its face. Great. Now at least we’re having an honest
conversation. There’s not this weird passive aggressive attacks. What I find, when somebody
finally does ask the question, “Hey, man, I don’t know Philosophy majors don’t
make a ton of money,” or “I feel like it’s kind of vain to go to the gym all the time,”
or “Don’t you know that businesses, like, 99% of them fail?” Now you can have an honest conversation. What
I recommend here is a little bit backwards, because a lot of people often times try to be
really strong and they’ll be having a ton of conviction here, which is good. Conviction
is great, but I want to add a nuance to that, and that is to be vulnerable. Let them know the reasons that you chose the
things you do–the emotional reasons. So, for Philosophy majors, I think back on this
in my own life. People finally say, “So why did you do Philosophy, man?” like, “Okay,
you’re not gonna start a Philosophy store, I get it, but why did you pick Philosophy?” And I’d say, “So, man, I got to college and
I know how you felt, but I had a ton of questions and I thought college was just gonna teach
me that,” like how should I live? What does a good person do? What does it mean to do
the right thing? What is a good life? And I was, all of a sudden, I’m in Statistics
and none of these classes were addressing it. Philosophy seemed to be the only class
that I had that was even concerned with those questions. And I stuck with it because it
was the only one that was asking them. I don’t know if I’ll have an answer by the
end of this, but, at least, it’s starting at the foundation, and I hope that serves
me for the rest of my life. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Being vulnerable about the
fact that I was confused; the fact that I didn’t know what to do. I mean, those are
very relatable things. If you were for one second, when people ask you these things,
drop the certainty that it’s gonna work out. Because if you’re taking an unconventional
life path, it’s not necessarily going to go great. If you’re trying to be an actor or
actress, you’re not guaranteed to be Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but if you express
that you know what? I love the craft and there’s something about it that makes me feel alive.
Even if I’m not getting paid a ton of money, it does something for me that lights me up,
and that’s worth it to me. That will oftentimes get people to just back off. So be vulnerable
in those situations where you do get direct questioning. Now, the fourth tip. These are kind of chronological,
so people, sometimes, a lot of people at this point, will have accepted it and backed off.
But one of the things I see is if you start to get this line. I could never do that. I
could never live with the uncertainty of acting and not knowing where my next paycheck was
coming from. Or I could never just travel like you do. Or I could never go without eating
donuts. I just like food too much. How do you handle this when people say that? There is one rebuttal that I love to all of
these and it’s this. If somebody said something to that degree, I could never, you know, I
could never not eat donuts. You say, “Well, you know, it’s a good thing that you make
decisions for you and I get to make decisions for my life because if the roles were reversed,
it sounds like we’d both will be really unhappy.” And that is like, that is a drop, explosive
conversation that will just go, “Oh, okay.” And that’s it. That is often times the absolute
end of it. Because what you’ve communicated in that is
that one, I don’t need you to approve of it and I don’t need to approve your life. And,
secondly, I’m honestly not really impressed with the thing that you’re doing but I don’t
shove it down your throat that you should do it a different way. Often times you follow
these 4 things, you’re gonna be done with this negativity. If people bring it back up,
run through the 4 steps and sometimes you might just have to end that relationship.
But those 4 things will oftentimes end any sort of negative attack that you receive. But there are six things that I want to cover
today, and that’s because I was doing some things wrong. These are things that you shouldn’t
and should be doing. The first one is DON’T RECRUIT. Number 5, first one of do not do.
Don’t recruit people. I remember, I went and I read the 4-Hour Workweek when I was about
23 years old. And I was evangelical. Everyone has to read this book. Everyone had to start
a business. They all needed muses. They all need to quit their jobs. Everyone had to read
the whole thing, and I would get into arguments with people, about whether or not it could
work; about whether or not Tim Ferriss was just making shit up, if he’d actually done
it, if the cases studies were real. And I debated for hours and hours, and at the end of it,
we never agreed because I hadn’t proved anything. When I finally shut up and worked on my business,
and built it, ironically, now that I stopped telling people that they need to read the
4-Hour Workweek, I get asked more often, “Hey man, what book should I read to change my
life, to start doing the things that you’re doing,” and I tell them, “Go, read the 4-Hour
Workweek.” So, you can’t be a recruiter. When you find your path, if you found it, I know that
there’s this temptation that you want to take your friends, your family, the whole damn
world along with you into this new wonderful thing. But you cannot shove it down people’s
throats. They will not come and you just invite more negativity into your own life if you
do that. So, 5. Don’t recruit. The sixth one is something that you should
do, and this is to make up for the fact that if you don’t recruit people, you might feel
rather lonely. I was very lucky. My best friend was into this stuff with me, but you might
not have that good fortune. So if this is the case, you need to find at least one other
person that has got your back; that’s gonna take this journey with you. It is so hard to be the only one in your town
or friend group that is trying to do the right thing, and maybe if you’re experiencing, you
can sympathize with this. So what I recommend is use the wonder of the internet. Get on
the subject that is related to your thing. Go out and in your town, or even better, go
to a meetup for whatever it is, because just simply surrounding yourself with other people
that share the interest, that want to grow in the way that you do, is life-changing. I remember, we moved to Brazil after I quit
my job. I had no money. I was sleeping on the floor, but we managed as we talked to
people, there were a couple of guys who were interested and four of them joined us. And
one of them said, it’s like, “Dude, this feels incredible because it feels like personal
development has been my dirty little secret for so long. And if that’s how you feel, I
just want to tell you, that there are tons and tons of communities out there for you
to get involved in, to be a part of. And the most powerful thing is not just to have online
friends, but to go to the meetup. Participate in it. We actually started a New York personal development
meetup out in New York City. If you want to go and do that, I think it still exists and
you can do it there. So, go find your tribe. One other person is gonna make you feel
like you’re not crazy and that could mean all the difference. So, I hope that you found these tips helpful.
I know that at the time when I was starting, I would have appreciated these myself, and
if you do find yourself in that situation, you’re the only person out there who’s trying
to get fit while your friends smoke weed. You’re trying to start a business while everyone
else thinks you need to be a corporate drone. Know this. You are on a solid path. Other
people have done it. There are people out there that will help you and you’re not alone.
So I hope this helps and I’ll see you in the next video.

100 thoughts on “6 Tips To Deal With The Negative Comments That Come With Self Improvement

  1. I learn so much from watching your videos. Thank you and keep doing what you do. 🤩🤩🤩

  2. You are talented and interesting, and have a good visual kudos, but this stuff is not really philosophy is it, more psychology. But I guess Aristotle was a blend of both

  3. Opens a Philosophy store anyways.
    2.8M current subscribers: YAY!

    P.S. I find “I could never do…” can actually be used as a compliment especially when it is followed up by a question of how the person does the difficult thing they do. It shows interest and even genuine admiration.

  4. "I could never…" is not always an attack, might also be a way to acknowledge the effort you put into this. I would say it that way… a form of admiration.

  5. Just remember guys and girls…. "If you have haters it just means your doing something right."

  6. Someone once told me, "vulnerability is strength, paradox is power."

  7. good idea,tell the negtive people what they should do next …you are so convenient

  8. I’d say “yeah people like you could use some philosophical sculpting lmao”

  9. I’ve said “I could never” whenever I talk to vegans, it wasn’t a place of malice though. It was in a joking manner and I showed it was a more of a I have a new respect for you that you are doing something I can’t.

  10. Are you telling me opening up a philosophy store is a bad idea ? I mean have you aver seen a philosophy store anywhere else ? You would probably own the best, most sucesful philosophy sore in the world

  11. I feel like number 4 should be reworded. It seems like returning passive aggressiveness in kind. Maybe less so could be, I understand that decision but this is what's right for my life.

  12. "Philosophy store"
    I'm going to use that with people that are studying philosophy from now on

  13. Too many shitty people out there, it is great that you are presenting these ways to deal with them.

  14. I absolutely loved #6. I have experienced this myself in a way that I tried too hard to push myself to the limit by isolating myself from "distractions" (friends,sports,etc…) and work too hard on what I thought was right, however you do need at least 1 or 2 individuals around you to constructively criticize you, because there are a lot of things you could just not simply see or understand! I have found that It's best to swallow your ego and be vulnerable in those situations!

  15. I noticed the same thing about little kids!! When I worked at a daycare. Barring a serious injury, they look to the parent to find out how they should react to minor falls. Spot ON insight!! 🙌🙌🙌

  16. Omg I freaking LOVE your stuff!! These videos are invaluable and so insightful, I’m not good with trite sayings and simplistic explanations when it comes to advice for my interactions with humans. Thanks so much for the depth and getting to the bottom of things 👍👍👍

  17. I need more of this in my life. I have really been struggling as a new resident physician. I knew the hours would be tough but I had no idea the interactions I would have on a daily basis would be the primary determinant of my health and well-being. I wish you would write a book man.

    Now I will deal with negativity – Charlie's way! 😏😉

  19. It's cool that you mentioned the 4 hour work week book. I listened to the audiobook a couple years ago and it really inspired me to shoot for my goals. And I love what you are doing on this channel

  20. I think that #4 "I could never do that" could be interpreted in a positive way. Sort of like "Oh, I don't have as much self control as you, I think it's great that you are eating healthy, but I could never do that"

  21. i managed to break free of work and established a nice business and life, and i was suprised at which friends went sour.

  22. Now that I am a older man (late 30s) I can see clearly that I would l feel the same of others disapproval when I was younger, and end out thinking too much about it. I think the best way is just be confident, knowing what you do is the only thing you 'can' do, as no one in this world can tell you what is the best opinion available or responsible for the success or failure you going to get out of it (not that they don't want to, fact isthey can't); be self aware you are too sensitive (nothing wrong for being a sensitive person) about it. Anyway great video as always.

  23. #6 has caused me to 'lose' a lot of friends in recent years. The result is that my circle has gotten smaller and stronger at the same time. I struggle with 1-4 though, it's hard to know and remember in the moment. Love the videos man, people like you make wanting to be alive and grow as a person worth pursuing.

  24. How bout when u ignore them and the first thing 90% of people would now say “yeah , ignore me” (sarcastically of course)

  25. 6:25; woah, that is a hydrogen bomb response; very rad indeed. Thank you for that.

  26. I wish I had to deal with negative comments. But nobody talks to me. 🤔😢😭

  27. I loved your channel before I ever knew u were a philosophy major. Now I like it 10x more. I actually was a philosophy major. I just switched to economics a yr ago. Due to a lot of family & friends saying the same damn things. I love economics as well I make legitimate market quality business plans of my unconventional ideas on Microsoft office as a personal hobby. In between trying to balance having fun with my friends who are uninterested in my nerd stuff, & my obsession with bettering myself as a human being. I originally wanted to get my PhD in Philosophy leaning into economics because I wanted to understand the same exact questions u just stated. I always felt like something was wrong with me because I was so concerned with those questions and nobody else seemed to care about it, or they already had answers satisfactory for them. So I’m happy watching this video seeing u had the same problem. I’m glad you seem to have found ur own. I’m working my way there, just wished I found ur channel sooner. Congratulations on the success.

  28. Jeff Bazos, his philosophy store turned into a trillion dollar company

  29. Just after watching this, I got a very negative comment! Felt so good not to care! Thanks for the helpful tips!

  30. I'm going to make a video called "6 Comments to deal with tips to deal with Negative Comments," and it will get more views than any video you ever made.

  31. so i'm in social science and when people asked me "what are you gonna do with that?" i just handed them their prejudices. i was just like "you know i'm really thinking about making a carreer as an uber driver or burger flipper at mc donalds with this".

  32. Another great post, very wise and intelligent information and so refreshingly genuine in that it doesn't have ugly corporate edge.

  33. “if you’re the only person out there who’s trying to get fit while everyone else is smoking weed”

    me: working out by myself at the gym while listening to this video and thinks about how literally everyone i know at work smokes weed and never bothers trying to be healthy

    thank you CoC. I love this channel and everything you talk about!

  34. I never knew "I could never" comments were negative. I've even used them myself not meaning anything negative by it. I try to use in the context of "you do you". There's stuff that I could never do but I don't mind if somebody else does.

  35. I've already asked someone why they've chosen Philosophy. But that's because I myself had already considered studying it, but I did not do it as I could not see how I would use all that knowledge or how I would survive financially with it. I probably sounded negative, but it was an honest question from which I did not get an answer. But now, watching this video, I somehow understand the reasons why someone would go ahead with it. You can help other people understand the basic questions of life and consequently live a better life. The money is just a question of having an entrepreneur mind. If you are really good, as you are, you can make money from anything, even Philosophy ;p . Thanks for the awesome video.

  36. Cara, tenho problemas assim na minha vida de pessoas que se esforçam ao máximo para que eu não faça o que eu quero fazer. Parece que o mundo está determinado pra enterrar os meus sonhos de abrir minha própria empresa. Eu amei esse vídeo pq realmente me deu mais ânimo! Obrigado, amigão!

  37. Great idea for hidden advertising. How much money does "4 hour work week" give you per sale?

  38. The version I have dealt with is the kind of people that see you trying to accomplish something but you lose your willpower and that's when they attack you saying " you don't want to accomplish anything". I think it's a type of reverse psychology

  39. I don't usually like self help books, but this guy is something else. He is really interesting, speaks well and is very relatable. Thank you!

  40. What happens when a friend of your significant other takes shots at you personally guised as a joke?

    It happens to me. But I'm great with control deflecting diverting redirecting subverting etc. I just want to know your opinion.

  41. Always heard that "I could never do that. . ." when I was an art major. Then I'ld say, "well you do you, and I do me" 🙂 works everytime

  42. Love the video but I thought the last part was kinda messed up when you mentioned the weed part. Some people are successful and smoke weed but it's those that smoke weed and don't make any effort to improve their lives. You didn't have to mention it. That's just me but I didn't take it personal. Keep on making these awesome videos

  43. I've been watching your vids, doing yoga, and generally being positive. I feel like I've lifted up ny roommate and inspired positivity between the both of us. Thank you, hope you have a beautiful day.

  44. You help people to stand up for themselves. You come from a place where you know boundaries. You sound like an enlightened man. I’ve learned a lot from your videos. Thank you very much ! ❤️

  45. tips on how to find those communities in non English speaking countries?

  46. Law 36: Disdain things you cannot have, Ignoring them is the best revenge. By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it. -"48 laws of power" By Robert Greene

  47. I am a very negative person, my YouTube videos don't show it but I am. You my friend are an inspiration. Great videos!

  48. Hi 👋 came across this channel recently & have found that it was a sign of change for me, am just letting you know your channel here is helping probably a lot of people’s lives so you should take a bow & enjoy in ur successes that you are doing what you enjoy which is helping people work out how great they can be as themselves with a helping hand and support…. as we say in my country (kia kaha – stay strong) as i too am trying to after digging myself into a deep hole of depression

  49. I don't really like number 4, it seems unnecessarily confrontational. Besides, "I could never do that…" is used as a compliment at least as often as it's a passive-aggressive dig. A much better alternative would be something to the effect of "Sure you could…". This refocuses the conversation on the presumption that what you're doing is good and opens the door to changing the person's mind by building bridges instead of burning them. There is certainly a time when you have no choice but to cut someone out of your life, but I'll be damned if I'm the reason why.

  50. I just realized that he is not arrogant and he doesn't act like a know it all. I think that is the most rare quality. A person with confidence that gets respect and is liked, all without looking down at others. Too often, and a little more with females than males, people that are confident and good looking are more likely to be the type to not try to hide the fact that if you have nothing to offer them, they want nothing to do with you. This guy just seems genuine and likable.

  51. You seem very genuine and not douchey like so many other with your area of expertise. Thank you first all the great advice

  52. Whooaaaa some of my fittest hommies smoke weed, WATCH YOUR TONE BUDDY

  53. I studied philosophy and found it boring because the professors were not so keen to discuss anything outside of the books they read. Good for you though, that you've created life lessons out of it.

  54. Thanks bro i was trying to shove my ideas down my friends throat in the sense and it caused arguments or i could tell they had no interest in the topics but as i realised i shouldnt try to 'recruit' them even though health science and medicine is the most interesting thing ever(for me) and relates to everything but it was giving me a negative feel from them as i gained more knowledge and understanding and talked about it more more and these are my best friends of 15years+ i will always be their mate and if i look at it objectively we dont have to most postive effect on each others lives if u know what i mean but maybe i need to take this journey by myself or find others on this path like u said but loneliness is rough forsure, very insightful video ty

  55. "I could never not eat donuts"

    "Is that right? Never would have picked you for a donut junkie."

  56. Put it this way, there are is one successful attacking and hating on people on youtube…

  57. I too went to college hoping the various classes would help me answer questions like "What does it mean to live a good life?" and "What is the meaning underlying the human experience?" I took a lot of philosophy classes, religion classes, communications classes, and english. It was an interesting experience to be sure. But ultimately I discovered meaning in religion, studied on my own time, examining various faiths, and I eventually discovered Christianity and it's tenants as something that accurately described ultimate reality. Might be worth your time to consider. I'd recommend a book by Dr. Francis Collins of the human genome project called "The Language of God." Fascinating read.

  58. Hey Charlie!
    I really appreciate your content and have been following your channel for some years now. I am very interested in communication, charisma and leadership and in my book you are the best channel on the entire internet. Congratulations e thank you for your job.
    Ps.: I'm from Rio de Janeiro and if I'd known you lived in Brazil for some time I would try and arrange a bootcamp of some sort.
    Anyway, I wish you success in your projects both here (if there are any) and there.

  59. Better response to that I could never do what you're doing would be to say isn't it amazing how we're all so different?

  60. These tips are really hard to do if you're talking to someone through a medium like text or the internet… you ignore people and they keep trolling

  61. I'm 33 now and I wish I'd had this advice in my early 20s. My siblings all took conventional paths and are doing well for themselves and I was the one who traveled and volunteered and got a more liberal arts education. Now I've been sick for the past two years and not been able to work. For all intents and purposes it seems I have failed and all the naysayers were correct. But I'm choosing to believe that all things pass with time and I will get better eventually and go on to do something that aligns with my ideals and convictions. I'm gonna listen to this again. It's brilliant.

  62. Yeah I'm on that sailing ship by myself..its really hard to sit back and see a friend struggling with something that can easily changed by changing your mind set.the few times I've tried to offer advice had a negative backlash.especially because they knew me before the changes were made..

  63. The first one reminds me of when I was in a restaurant and I fell from sitting on a chair that has a missing foot. I didn't look around, I just stood up and sat on a different chair. The people were initially concerned but they calmed down when they saw my reaction.

    Anyway, I just found your channel. I'm guilty for reacting the wrong way from the second one to the last. When people are passive aggressive with me, I call them out on it and give them a "lesson" that it's one way to humiliate themselves. Of course, this made me look like the bully. This happened a lot in my previous company where some people just get a kick out of angering you or shaming you for doing something you like or is good for you.

    I left that company a few months ago and my life has been better ever since. I'm not in a constant mode of anticipating the next attack and I realized that most people are actually good and supportive.

    I'm still watching your videos so I can learn how to handle those kinds of situations better if I find myself in them again.

  64. Just to say, some people say those comments and genuinely not attacking someone or being passive aggressive.

  65. A lot of people dont realize they are yandicapvtoo. Its a social handicap so just ignore it and realize they need either medication or therapy. Seriously it's their built up sadness and aggression so they need YOU to comfort them with feeling bad too. It's a handicap they can focus and they cant behave they may have autism as well autism effects behaviors..just laugh in your head or feel bad for them to be nice. But they neeeevvvverrrrr can bother you its handicap.. good luck

  66. Thanks you so much for sharing all your ideas and knowledge with your channel! 🔥💯💯💯
    Love your videos but this one really spoke to me!
    One of my favorites so well articulated, it's never a waste of time to see/ear your videos! 🔝🔝🔝
    Many many thanks from Portugal! 🇵🇹🇵🇹🇵🇹

  67. When people say to me, "I could never…" I just say," it takes discipline." And that's it.

  68. cant i just ask why they are being so negative well point it out (my particular thing is they complain constantly about everything ) ignoring does absolute crap imo

  69. Speaking of calling people out when they're in error … RIGHT THERE IN THE FIRST 24 SECONDS … You used the verb 'seen' INCORRECTLY … Either you 'have seen' it … or you SAW IT !!! The verb 'seen' IS NOT A STAND ALONE VERB !!!


  70. Don't recruit….that's really great advice. I have followed this myself at one point when I needed to make drastic changes and it was one of the things that made a big difference in me finding traction again. If you try to take the masses with you you won't move forward. Maybe get to where your going first and some can follow you but get there first!

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