Don’t worry Kelly we’ll be Training you first. Kelly’s Training Us? This day is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s! This day is Bananas, B-a-n-a-n-a-s! I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing. Could you scoot over? You’re on my dress. I thought you’re not supposed to wear white to a wedding. I know, but there was an emergency. I look really good in white. Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. It’s the lever on the side. That’s what I told him, thanks. Oh my God! He is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Oh no, I don’t think I could– Oh please Jim? Please, please, please? He’s so cute. I like him so much, and I would do it but I’m too shy Please Jim, please, please, please, please! Please Jim? Please, please, please? God, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Your department’s just you right? Yes Jim, but I am not easy to manage. Hey Kelly, what’s up? Nothing. Except, oh my god, Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up! Oh, that’s great! I’m really happy for– I know! It was so funny, because we were at this bar with his friends, and I was sitting next to him the whole night, and he wasn’t making a move, so in my head I was like Ryan, what’s taking you so long? And then, he kissed me, and I didn’t know WHAT to say. So I said, Ryan? What took you so long? I mean, I just said it to him! Can you believe– Oh my God Jim, is that embarrassing? I’m embarrassed. No, don’t be Oh thank God. Because I was nervous, Jim. You would not believe But now, now I have a boyfriend! *Excited squeal* I hooked up with her on February 13th. How did Ryan use it, as an object? As an object. Ryan used ME as an object. What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping-pong? Hi Kelly. Guess whose boyfriend it is? I don’t want to guess. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not MY boyfriend. I think it’s a guy over here. I don’t talk trash. I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical. Like, “yo momma’s so fat she could eat the internet” but smack talk is happening like, right now, like “You’re ugly and I know it for a fact because I got the evidence right there” Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball. Jim couldn’t hit a ping-pong ball if it was the size of the moon. Were Jim’s parents first cousins that were ALSO bad at ping-pong? If I had created a website with this many problems, I’d kill myself. Do you have a question, Kelly? Yeah. I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? Kelly: I want you to tell me that you care about me, that is what I want! Ryan: Kelly, I’m your boss now! Okay, you can’t keep talking to me like I’m your boyfriend. Oh big strong man, Fancy new whatever! I don’t think you ever cared about me! I never cared about you? Six months ago, Karen Phillipelli sent me an email asking me out, I said no because I was committed to our relationship. Well, I hope you’re still committed because I’m pregnant. And guess what buddy? I am keeping it. Okay. Okay. Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby? I c– can’t talk about this right now, okay? After work, we’ll go out to dinner, we’ll talk about it then. Okay? We have a date! I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That, and my sister’s. That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. This summer, I did the Minority Executive Training Program at Yale. You guys, I’m like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like “blah blah blah, blah blah blah” Giving you the exact right answer. I’m really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last week– And perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again-off-again girlfriend What are you– Who am I? I’m Kelly Kapoor. The Business Bitch. It is important to brand yourself. So I have a couple of things in the works. The Business Bitch, The Diet Bitch, The Shopping Bitch. The Etiquette Bitch. For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?! Try “Jesus.” “Opus Dei” –To the top of the queue. So number 5 becomes number 4. Number 6 becomes number 5. Number 3– Becomes number 2. Etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, Which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again, which is at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what do I do! What I do is this. I go online, I go click click click, and I change the order of the queue! So I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? Guess I forgot. You’re such a ditz. Ryan, well done: 2 minutes 42 Seconds Additionally Pam, you win $10 because she said ‘awesome’ 12 times and Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned 6 romantic comedies. Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you To Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny! F*** me. Okay. You know what? Jim! Kelly! Oh my God! I have so much to tell you! Really? Really? Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie They had a baby too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are Amazing! Great! What’s new With you I just told you… If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one. What about second base? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like, closed a deal? I mean, that’s a baseball term, right? I-I-don’t know what Michael was… Talking about. I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I’m going to wear my hottest tracksuit and get my hair done and then be like Hi Ryan. And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like “Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend! Ooh, I would have never treated her so bad when I was outside of prison!” Well it’s you don’t have to do ’em, Meredith, WHAT are you doing? I could be pregnant. Okay, no. Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she’s lying. I just need to know where this is going. Hey. I like you. That’s why. But you need to access your un-crazy side. Otherwise, maybe this thing has run it’s course. Don’t you dare walk away from me, Darryl Philbin. You are the most selfish person I have ever met in my entire– Slow down.Think it over. Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?