How to Deal with Self Criticism: 7 Tips


Hey guys! Welcome back to Lavendaire. My name is Aileen, and if you’re new here: Lavendaire is a place where I share knowledge
and inspiration on creating your dream life. We have an amazing community here. If you’re interested in improving yourself
and your life, make sure you subscribe. And Coco just wanted to come in the frame here. So we’re babysitting Coco for the week. Usually she’s with my boyfriend’s parents, but they’re out of town this week and she’s staying with me here. So today we’re talking about
how to deal with self criticism, how to stop being so hard on yourself,
how to stop putting that pressure on yourself. And I know a lot of you out there can relate. This is something that I personally still struggle with, because I tend to be an achiever. I like to succeed. I mean, who doesn’t? But it becomes negative when it’s something
that you want so bad that you put this unnecessary pressure and
it just becomes a negative force in your life that’s really bringing you down and not doing
you any service. I feel like any time that I’m not super productive
or on my A game, I’m feeling bad about not being productive
and on my A game. And it’s not necessarily healthy to put that –
I don’t know – guilt on yourself. For example: I recently went traveling to
China, so when I came back I was jet lagged. And I went to a convention, and at that convention
I learned so many things. And even from my trip, I learned so many things. I wrote down so many notes. And I have a long list of to-do items, a lot
of things that I want to do and there’s been a lot of goals that I’ve
had in my mind. And it just frustrates me because I see so
many things that I want to do, but physically I’m not doing it or I’m being very slow at doing it
or I’m procrastinating at doing it. And it’s these times where I just put that
pressure on myself because I feel bad for not being as on top
of things as I want to be. And that just adds to feeling even more bad
about not being on your A game. So I think it’s really easy, with social media,
to see someone else’s life, their highlight reel of their life, and put them on a pedestal and feel sorry
about yourself. Kind of like, “Ugh, I’m not that productive right now,” or “I’m not that stylish,” or “I’m not that…”
whatever it is, fill in the blank, and make yourself feel smaller than that other person. So that’s part of what makes you feel like shit, basically, just comparing yourself to all these glamorous
feeds on social media. And the other part is just my personal stigma
of always wanting to achieve and be successful and I “should” always be
on my A game. But in reality, nobody is perfect. Nobody is always super productive
or super creative all the time. It’s just that self-imposed judgment that
I “should” be productive, I “should” be working harder, I “should” be
doing this or that, and I’m physically not. Maybe I just felt like I’m in a low point,
I’m less motivated, whatever it may be, just being hard on myself for that. So how do we deal with all this pressure that
we put on ourselves? I’ve put together a list and please, in the
comments, feel free to continue this list because I feel like I always need reminders
and tips on how to deal with this self criticism. So #1: Remember that we are our own worst critics. Usually your situation is not as bad as you
think it is in your head. Really, we look at ourselves like –
you will notice all your flaws and you will emphasize and blow those flaws out of proportion, compared to what other people see. Half of it is realizing that your perspective is biased because you are your own worst critic,
so you’re going to be harder on yourself. And the other half is realizing that the other
people around you, they are not perfect, as well. They are also going through similar struggles
or even worse struggles. Everybody has their own stories and their own battles. So just learning to not judge yourself and
not judge others, I think we would all be happier if we could
just judge less. #2: Understand and embrace that
you have cycles in your life. You have cycles of ups and downs. You have winters (low points) and summers,
which are high points. I’ve mentioned this in a previous video before,
and I got this from Rebecca Campbell, the author of “Light is the New Black”,
who I had on my podcast, by the way. She just talked about how we have seasons
and cycles in our life, just like the seasons of Earth, you know? So just honoring and embracing these cycles,
that you’re not always going to be super productive, super creative, super amazing all the time,
because that would be summer all year long. But just understand that there are ebbs and flows of life. You’re gonna have your down times and your
times to be slower, reflect on yourself, and kind of hibernate a little bit before you can come out again and be your best, ultimate self. It’s kind of like this continuous cycle of
being the cocoon to the butterfly, and then another cocoon and another butterfly. Just imagine yourself continually changing
and transforming, and being okay with that, being okay with the cycles, embracing the low points as well as the high points, and just understanding that it’s just all natural. #3: Forgive yourself for being hard on yourself. You gotta just find a way to take that pressure
and let it go. Forgive yourself because you don’t want to
feel guilty about putting yourself down. And you just make it worse because, you know,
too many negative emotions there. You want to bring love and compassion into
your space, embrace who you are, and just treat yourself as if you were treating
your friend who’s going through a tough time. You know, you wouldn’t put your friend down
for not doing as well as they wanted to. You just give them love and support. So just give that love, support, compassion to yourself. And any pressure that you’ve put on yourself,
any anxiety or fear, just let it go. Let it go. Easier said than done, I know. #4 is a hack that will help you release that pressure. It’s to take care of your body. So give yourself exercise and eat right. So I know it’s a boring tip, but it’s just
a hack that works in so many situations. If you take care of your physical body, your mental being, your mental state will improve as well. So your mind will be clearer, you’ll be happier,
you’ll feel more inspired and more motivated. It’s just strange that when you physically
move your body, you bring more energy into your physical body, but you also bring more energy into everything else,
like your creativity, your mind, your soul. For example: For me, I had not exercised in like a month and I was feeling overwhelmed
and anxious and all of this. And then a couple days ago, I went to take a yoga class, the first yoga class for over a month. And immediately, after the class, I just felt
this new energy in me and I felt a clearing. And I think that, if you are stuck, or if
you are feeling low, unmotivated, or slow, definitely take care of your body because
the physical will fuel everything else. #5: Turn off social media. It’s okay to delete those social media apps just to get away from it and find yourself again. It’s okay to unfollow those accounts that
make you feel like crap. So next time that you’re scrolling social media, you notice yourself feeling bad
after seeing someone else’s post, it’s okay to unfollow them, you know? It doesn’t hurt them and it does you more
good than anything else. I got inspired by this from Melyssa Griffin, actually. I’ve had her on my podcast before. Melyssa Griffin follow zero people on Instagram
and at first glance, you might think that’s weird, it’s kind of a douche move. But she explained why she does that. When she follows people, she absorbs everyone’s content and she feels like she loses her own voice. So for her, it’s better to not follow anyone
and just focus on creating from her authentic self. And I thought it was a great idea. It’s okay to unfollow people. It’s okay to do whatever needs to be done
for your own mental well-being. #6 – and this is a journaling prompt that you can do after this video – is to ask yourself: What are the things that I have now
that I once wished for? It’s remembering that you’ve achieved
some things in your life, you have things now that you once dreamed of having. And if that is the case, then in the future you will have more of what you want now, and it just takes time. And also, just reminding yourself that you’ve accomplished things that you can be proud of. This will help you realize how far you’ve
already come in your life, everything that you have now that you didn’t
have before. And it’s just a great reminder that you have things that you’ve accomplished and are proud of in your past, and that’s something really awesome that you
should feel great about. I think that, when you focus on the wins and
the victories that you’ve had, it boosts your self confidence, it boosts your mood, and you realize that there’s no need to put
that pressure on yourself. There’s no need to feel bad about yourself,
that eventually, if you keep trying, you are going to continue
to do great things. And it’s only a matter of time and effort,
and you know, you should be supportive of yourself in this
journey, rather than putting yourself down. And after you come up with this list,
just find gratitude for all of these things that you do have now,
that you once wished for, because gratitude will shift your perspective and it will make you feel like, “Oh, I have so much.” I have so many things that I’m grateful for
now that I once wished for. Honestly, my entire life now
was once a dream back then, and I once wished that I could make videos on YouTube. And I once wished that I could have my own apartment and decorate it so pretty and the way that I wanted to. There’s just so many things that I have now
that I once wished for. And focusing on that makes me feel so much
better than what I don’t have and all that negative pressure, it doesn’t matter. Just support yourself on this journey. My last tip for you on how to deal with self criticism is to simply find something that brings you joy, do that thing, and forget everything else. This could be a little creative hobby that
you’re doing on the side, or just some thing that makes you happy. What’s important is that it’s something that you could lose yourself in and you could put all your energy in, so that when you’re doing that thing that
makes you happy, you really forget about that pressure and
that criticism and all of that judgment. You forget about that because you’re so focused
on enjoying the moment. So for me, it’s things like playing piano,
singing, even cooking and cleaning. Lately, I just feel like I am meditating as I’m cooking,
I’m meditating as I’m doing makeup. When I’m doing those things, I lose sense of time and I’m so focused on it that it makes me
forget all this judgment and overwhelm. So find something that brings you joy, do
that, and forget everything else. And with all the other tips,
I hope that this helped you learn to deal with your self criticism and learn
to stop being so hard on yourself. I know it’s not straightforward, but definitely, if you have tips of your own, do share in
the comments below. I’d also love to know your answer to that prompt: What do you have now that you once wished you had? Because that’s so cool, right? That we have things now
that were once a dream and a wish. It just makes you believe that dreams do come true. And I am that cheesy person that says things like that. I hope you liked this video. If you aren’t subscribed, then hit that subscribe
button right now. Also, follow me on Instagram because I’m always
sharing photos and stories there. And that’s it! Have a beautiful day. I wish you well. Bye!

100 thoughts on “How to Deal with Self Criticism: 7 Tips

  1. Reading your comments & I think it's so crazy how a lot of you say things like "this came at the perfect time" or "I needed this today" — I'm always AMAZED. It's synchronicity (if you haven't heard the word before, look it up), basically the universe giving you a "coincidence" that's really a sign that you're on the right path. A sign that you're guided and protected.

    Anyway, I LOVE YOU & HAPPY WEEKEND!! 😍

    If you liked this video then you'll def love this one too → You Are Enough: Self Worth & Comparison Traps | http://bit.ly/2IMLCut (one of my FAVES)

  2. A book that helped me a lot with building more positivity in my life is called "The No Complaining Rule" by Jon Gordon. I definitely recommend it!

  3. I'm at this point in my life where I feel very insecure and inadequate to almost everything, I hope I can get some work experience and be able to atleast have a job..

  4. Wow you remind me so much of myself. Thank you so much, this is the type of channel that is life changing for people. You are really doing something that matters and that helps others! ❤️

  5. I wished I would finish college and I did but now I can’t find a job 😢😭😓😥😰

  6. That’s how I feel at this moment I feel depress I feel frustrated I feel that I want to cry 😢 I don’t see myself a successful person I will be turn 30 soon I feel old I try to do everything hay I can think of but nothing is working out I don’t know what to do sometimes I just prefer no exist and don’t think anymore.

  7. You made my life P.E.R.F.E.C.T.O thanks 🙏🙇 for every single thing

  8. Wow, that tip with the going through seasons thing is just what I needed. Last semester I was so productive and motivated and lately I've been so unmotivated and just, not as positive and productive as I was before. I've been beating myself up about it, but you're right. I don't always have to be majorly growing and changing. It's okay that I've gone into another cacoon right now, because soon I'll emerge even better than before. Thank you 💛

  9. What I have now that I didn't have before is my own youtube channel which I'm really proud of because I work hard on every video and do my best to put out positive, quality content.

  10. Very uplifting video. <3 Thanks for inspiring us , keep on making beautiful and amazing videos

  11. I love the "what did you once wish/dream of that you now have?" section such a refreshing way to look at life, and how much we have achieved already. Thank you for this new positive perspective <3

  12. I think that it's really synchronicity because I was getting tired, flustered, angry at myself,…. and then…. youtube showed me one of your videos (self care, healthy habits& finding balance) and I fell in love with your voice, your face, your atmosphere, your advice, everything was what I needed; Confidence, Beauty and Joy.
    I think that I really need to thank you 'cause your videos are my own meditation, peace space and self care….
    Thank you so much I love you and your videos (^-^)

  13. Have a gratitude list and know your self worth too. Notice when I have self critism in my mind and change all the thoughts into positive ones. Btw this is a great video that I can learn a lot to help me deal with self-critism. I totally agree with the idea of having interests because that's so refreshing and peaceful when you do all your hobbies, another form of meditation :))))

  14. Now I can ride a bicycle, I wish I could do it for my whole life! I'm 24 🙂

    Your advices are really good and helpful. Thank you Aileen!

  15. A really nice boyfriend and a car, the car I’m paying for by my self.

  16. Hey Aileen, I’m translating your video to Chinese.Can you please tell me what’s the meaning of “not being on your agme at 2:13?

  17. This is very true. I went through same kind of struggle in my past few years which finally pushed me into depression. But due to proper treatment and guidance I am well now. And I learnt one basic thing that its fine some times not to be perfect many times…..and I understood the importance of self appriciation.

  18. I really like number 6. I know we should always be grateful for the things we have, and I have been for the past couple of months. But I noticed that I am mpre grateful for the smaller things. I haven't stopped and thought about the bigger things I've worked hard to accomplish. Thank you, Aileen for reminding me.

  19. Before I only dreamed of treating my family to a vacation. We don't have much money so I worked so hard to make it happen. Recently I was able to do that and I'm so grateful that I get to make my familt happy.

  20. Hey Aileen,one more question,Can I have the name of the girl you mentioned at8:19

  21. Aileen The last three question.Sorry to bore you many times, 😢 I want to get your word more exactly.we still have three part unclear,if you still remember,hope to get your answer 1.at 0:24 what’s the word after “amazing “ 2.at 8:18 Is it “du schmoove¿” 3.at 12:13 cheesy person ¿ What’s the meaning of this sentence ¿ I’m Looking forward to getting your response.

  22. So I uninstalled my Instagram account, asked myself who I am outside of how people choose to define me? What matters to me? I'm now putting my focus back onto a project that will help vulnerable people in the community. I've always been inspired by your videos. Thanks for the reminders presented her. I will definitely start listening to your podcast 🙂

  23. Aileen you are so cute.
    I'm so glad I came across you
    So very greatful

  24. Love this video it really opened my eyes because I can relate to this. I use to feel so less of myself because of the fact I would look at other people lives on social media and it would crush me to the point I would cry and just become an enemy to myself. To the point I decided to delete my social media and focus on myself and achieve the things I never finish doing because of the fact I would say to myself that I wasn't going to finish what I started and that I wasn't going to understand the purpose I have in this world. I feel free and satisfied with life. Thank you for sharing this beautiful video such an inspiration and a video that will change the way you think and a video to love yourself for who you are.

  25. To deal with Cristics to me is to read again what God says about me according to the Bible. 🙂 as well as forgiving myself and forgive others.

  26. I randomly came across your video and I am glad I did. Serendipity! You're a breath of fresh air- thank you for sharing your wisdom, inspirations and positive vibes.
    "Be grateful for what you have, you'll end up having more. But if you focus on what you don't have, you'll never have enough." — Oprah Winfrey

  27. wow….. what an amazing thing I came across today…. this really relates to me…. I felt so inferior about myself..and … after watching this I feel so relaxed.. and know how to keep happy myself…. and how to outshine the criticism

  28. 8. Share with ppl how to deal with self-criticism! This just reinforces your own teachings/ past 7 lessons in your own mind helping you be less of a self-critic =)

    Also your past video about having POSITIVE BELIEFS is KEY! Having that has washed away so much self-criticism for me.

    You've come a long way…I remember the Fung Bros. video you did (won't mention which one 😉 and I've seen the transformation in you. Thanks for being an inspiration.

  29. You're so pretty and positive! Thank you for the vid.

  30. I cant wait to buy the 2019 Workbook! Just a random idea – I hope it will have artsy textured paper for a special touch!

  31. Omg! I discovered your channel like 1 week ago and i'm just bing watching your videos! You are like so an inspiration! For me the thing that it was a dream and now i've it it's my school. Actually, I really want to go to an special high school and it's like so hard to get in because it's on report card. So i've very good grades but steal it's like impossible to be accepted. And during 3 years, every day i was thinging to this fabulous school and now i'm doing my back to school there!! It's like really a dream comes true… Sorry for my spelling mistakes, i'm french and my high school (lycée in french) is in Paris (it's also the best high school in France). I live next to Paris but not in Paris it's was also why it's was impossible to be accepted… but I did it!! So really continue because i think you are really helping a lot of people and inspiring them so bye bye

  32. Vry vry Vry motivational video, I luckily watched it when I was feeling down and you inspired me. I really liked the idea of writing down the things which we hv now, once we dreamed abt, definitely it will inspire us and keep going. God bls you.

  33. Hey Aileen! Thank you for your amazing videos! I love them!
    I have another writing exercise for you when it comes to self criticism: Have a dialogue with your inner critic.
    While this may feel counter-intuitive, it is actually healthy to let that critic speak every once in a while instead of ignoring it all the time. What you eventually may find is that the critic evolves into another person in your mind, instead of it being part of yourself. Let them speak, thank them for their concern and then ask them politely (or less politely) to shut up.

  34. Thank you for your videos and good energy. I already knew the last tip but I often forget it… so thank you for being this gentle reminder that I am leaving my dreams !
    Wish you the best !

  35. Perfect timing for this to pop up in my feed. This has been a super helpful and inspirational video for me! Thanks so much!!

  36. TOTALLY GUILTY – so hard on myself about being productive, especially lately. – and you're killin' it. THANK-YOU! 🙂

  37. Really loved this video! Just what I needed to hear, you are inspiration 💕 Greetings from Mexico

  38. If I knew at your what you know I would have a dream life. I don't regret for the things I did. I' m 46 and a mother. I know now that it's never late to stop questioning and judging. I love you. Thanks for the inspiration.

  39. I've watched this for a couple times already but I needed this so much today. Thank you Aileen for making me feel better ❤

  40. Thank you so much Aleen your videos always inspire me and this one especially sucha great help! I'm in a low time for a while now i feel much better. Thank u love all your videos!

  41. It might work for some of you so here's my idea: absorb your friend's voice. Like the person, who's your biggest support – think of what he would say, have a conversation with him in your head. After some time you will hear this voice automatically and forget about the negative one. Just some practise, patience and it's going to happen

  42. you highlighted very important point, which is be kind to yourself, and motivate yourself that is very important. In addition, i just want to add, do not be over-thinking and do not think about what has happened or the time you have wasted, and remember everyday is a new opportunity. Just restart and trust GOD and yourself.

  43. Could you make a video about the things that you have now that you once wished for? It would be really interesting and helpful. I mean, I know many things I am grateful for, but with the things that I once wished for I feel kind of unsure.

  44. Thank you so much.. For providing us with such great tips.. I am now totally in a state of being depressed by the judgment made by my own friends on my character.. After watching this video I came up with a solution.. I had my self care routine.. Which made me to feel refreshed and now I am ok with myself.. I Heartfully thank you Ms. Alieen.. 💕💕💕☺️☺️☺️

  45. It makes me feel so bad when someone who has already achieved so much is still criticizing themselves. I instantly compare myself and think if they think they are not good enough with all that they do what should I think of myself!???

  46. I never comment on your videos, but I always have been binging on them whenever I feel uninspired or just poopy about myself, and I'd always come back right on track! For the past four years, I've always have this cycle of self-criticism. I've always blamed myself and compared myself to others, even if nothing big happened. This video has enlightened me, and I hope I can make the change I've always wanted! Thank you so much Aileen.

    You have inspired me.

  47. I am a little depressed today
    "You have cycles of ups and downs"
    It is wright
    Yesterday i falt like i am so happy person
    Thank you for your tip
    It is helpful

  48. You explained who I am within the 1st 3min of this video. I've been binge watching your videos today. Thank you for the quality content.

  49. Number 6 hit me hard. I’ve always dreamt of having a family of my own and I finally have it. I usually work myself to death and I come home physically and mentally exhausted and I try to make time for my kids, but sometimes I get way too overwhelmed with other things. This podcast is amazing and I really needed to hear this. ❤️

  50. It's like you could literally see inside my head! Thank you for making this video Aileen x

  51. Recently I watched your video and I needed it 😁 thank you so much. You inspire me. At the correct moment! 🙌 ♥️

  52. So to answer your question about wishing for something I wanted that I now have, for me it's motivation, a lot of my life I've had big dreams and goals that I always wanted to complete, but was unmotivated to do so, I always found a reason not do it, be it out of fear, laziness or the negative mindset that I would fail the instant I made a mistake. Lately this coming year I've been feeling a lot more motivated with my dreams, I'm telling myself more and more that my dreams won't come true if I don't try and that what I want is on the opposite side of fear and that when I do make a mistake, it's a learning opportunity not a disaster. Just by changing my mindset a little bit, acknowledging the fact that I can achieve my goals if I set my mind to it and doing a little bit each day towards them has already made me more motivated to achieve my goals.

    The first step to achieving any goal is telling yourself you can do it and the second is to force yourself to get it done especially on the days you feel less motivated.

    But the most important thing about motivation I've realized is that it doesn't appear out of nowhere, you have to force yourself in the beginning to complete those small challenges that add towards your goal, the more you do the more motivated you become when you look back and see how much progress you've made.

    "I have the will, passion and determination to complete my goals"

  53. Finding your youtube channel is one of the best things I've done. You're amazing and have no idea how much you've helped me <3

  54. I love the way you talk, and your videos, all of them helped me to fix myself hahah, keep going❤️

  55. I think my seasons in life go the same ration as seasons in Norway….3 months of summer and then biting dark winter…although it would be cool to live there…

  56. I love your channel it has helped me and so many ways joined and now receive text daily just love it thanks so much!!

  57. There once was a beautiful, well put together tattooed girl on a magazine cover. I cried inside and thought- I'll never be that. Seven years later I am that girl, and so much more. There still is so much to do and work though in my life, but that memory silently popped up one day, and I didn't even realize it all happened after i had long forgotten about it and just kept working away on my life (goals & dreams) thanks 💜 you have a wonderful channel, I hope to have my own one day too 🌈😃

  58. I hope that one day I can become a person as wise as you❤️😭 I Love you and your channel, you are a blessing girl

  59. In school I am one of the smartest, and it gets stressful easily! Like if we did a test and I got 97 out of 100 I will blame myself and punish myself like using the whole day just studying not eating and it’s so unhealthy and stressing. I was diagnosed with Bulimia. My parents did try stopping me, they took me to therapist and made me eat food. But I would just hide it for them. It was so badly I one time ended in hospital. Luckily it has stopped now and I am doing my best to recover :). This all happen from December to Marts :3

  60. Lately I am following ur YouTube vedios…I just cannot tell in my words how ur thoughts have helped me in my life…I am a teen and emotionally kinda imbalanced at times…i learned a lot of lessons from u including gratitude which made me to post this message expressing my Thanksgiving…from my side one of the vedio request would be "how to find ur own self and keep it"loads of love from india❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  61. Thank you my YouTube friend for that great video, that is the kind of answer I was looking for since at least 6 month or more

  62. 💗. Creative Expression e.g. drawing, sing, dance sing ,medutating , release and being in nature is so soothing xx

  63. Love you Aileen, thanks for making such amazing and helpful videos. You’re the one that introduced me to self-devellopement trough your vidéos and now my life and my mental health is so much better. Thank you, truly thank you.

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