Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Jerk

What’s up everybody? This is Charlie from
Charisma on Command and today I want to help you deal with people in your life who are
being passive aggressive. You can use this from anyone, from a friend, to a co-worker,
someone that you just met at a bar or a party. One simple caveat that I’ll give you. This
will work but be careful when using this on people who have leverage over your life, for
instance, your boss. Because, as you’ll see, one of the steps in several of the steps,
is to call it out, walk away, and basically remove that person from your life; difficult
to do if it’s your boss. So we’ll have other strategies for dealing with conflicts when
it’s with superiors. But this is one that you can use in many, many situations. That said, this is an interview with Robert Downey Jr.
He’s doing a press junket for Age of Ultron, and in this interview, the interviewer, out at left field, starts asking him questions about his drug history, his relationship with his
father, stuff that is just inappropriate and directed to get a rise out of him. So, I want to start where the interview is still
copacetic, still cool, and you can watch it evolve in the first 15 seconds. And you see that look on his face? We often
have this moment where we can tell that something is coming. There is a trap about to be sprung.
Somebody’s about to unleash their passive aggressiveness on us. Robert just kind of
have to wait and take it because it’s not aggressive aggressive, and this really is
step one. What I’ll say here is look at the eye contact
to come. Robert continues to look right back at this guy, while he can hardly hold his
gaze. The important thing here is something that you can take, is that when someone is
being passive aggressive with you, oftentimes, they do not have the guts to be outright aggressive.
They’re trying to hide that. So just by looking them in the eye with this steady gaze, you
can often deter that, right? They will, many times, backtrack on what is said. Not the
case on this interview but a great step one. Hold strong, steady eye contact. Let that
person know that you know what’s going on without saying a word. And you see that? That’s just like a piercing
gaze that he has. He’s letting him know that he knows what’s going on. So, interestingly enough, and this is actually
what I recommend you do, you’ll notice that he’s answering the question at pretty much face
value, which is what you’ll often want to do when you sense that someone is being passive
aggressive. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Many times, that eye contact will deter them.
They’ll stop being passive aggressive or you just might have misinterpreted. So rather than jump down someone’s throat
right away, or constantly be creating conflict, give them, for one try, the benefit of the
doubt. Answer their question, do what they’re doing at face value. Notice this here. This is what I call a warning
shot. So he’s giving him the chance to stop going down this line. He’s explained to him
that he has no idea how to even begin answering this question, the guy persists. So right
here, you will see, he gives him a good-natured warning shot. And then, again, still back to good-natured… This is important. Oftentimes, when people
are being passive aggressive, they’re trying to box you in with some sort of question to
where your options in answering suck for you either way. What Robert Downey Jr. is doing
here, rather than just answering his question, is reframing it in terms that he can come
out of it as the way that he wants to be perceived, right? He doesn’t want to say Liberal this,
Republican this, Democrat that, that is not a path he wants to go down. So he takes the time to reframe the question
as “You know what? I was young. I don’t even know what I meant. I could guess at what I
meant; who freaking knows?” So he’s basically discounted this question
by reframing it there. We’re gonna jump ahead now, this continues. Actually, let’s let it ride
because it’s fun to watch he just fall apart. And, if you want, this is just a study in
what nervous body language looks like. This guy knows exactly what he’s doing. Watch the
jittery hands, the lack of eye contact, he’s sitting far back in his chair, he’s just like fidgeting
all the time. This is what nervousness looks like. So, clearly, he’s getting upset. He sees,
he’s given this guy the eye contact. He’s given him the benefit of the doubt. He’s even
given him a warning shot, and this guy continues, so what does he do next? He’s going to call
it out, and just listen for what comes after this. Again, this is the first time that Robert
has been anything less than good natured. He is saying in a very clear way, “You’re
obviously nervous. You know what you’re doing. I know what’s up. Get through this.” And stuttering and staring, the guy continues
to go, so right now, if you watch his chest, Robert Downey Jr. is breathing very, very
heavy. He is entering like fight or flight mode, which is common when somebody comes
at you, even if it’s not in a physical way. This is clearly a pointed attack. He is trying
to get a rise out of him. He knows what’s going on. So you see, he starts to breathe
deep, he goes into fight or flight. Some people might freak out here, but, notably, he doesn’t. And this is the most overt call-out. This is step
three for where you’ve gone through– you’ve given them the eye contact, you said you know
what’s up. You’ve given them the benefit of the doubt. You’ve done the warning shot. You’ve
overtly called out the foot or whatever it is. He, very clearly, in plain English, says,
“What is going on here?” This is appropriate if you’ve given the person so many subtle
warnings with the passive aggressiveness. “What are you doing?” is a perfectly fine
question in this situation. Maintain eye contact. See what the guy says. And that’s it. Walk away. This is the big
thing and this is why I said that it can be tricky to do when you’re with your boss or
something like this. You do not need people in your life who are going to behave like
this. You do not have to sit through and stomach any sort of passive aggressive attack on you,
even if it doesn’t feel like an attack or look like an attack on the outside. This person,
with the way that they have interacted, is trying to get a rise out of you. Do not freak
out. Do not take it. Remove yourself from the situation once you’ve called it out. And
you can look at it, he does it in a very fine, friendly, good-natured way. He doesn’t walk
away screaming, cursing at the guy. That is the way to handle this situation. And then this guy looks at him like, “What
an idiot you are,” and he is. So, hope that has been helpful. The steps, quick recap are:
If you sense someone is being passive aggressive, hold eye contact. Second, maintain the benefit
of the doubt; maybe it’s just a weird question, maybe you’re interpreting it the wrong way.
Third, give them a warning shot. It can be like, “I don’t know why we’re talking about
this, but…” and then you continue on. Fourth, call it out. You need to say, “What are we
doing here? What are you trying to do?” And then, if they don’t stop, remove yourself
from the situation. So, that’s a little way to deal with passive
aggressiveness in many situations of life. I hope that has been helpful. If it has, please
subscribe to the channel. We’ll be doing more videos like these, and of course, if you want
to get more of this that isn’t on the channel, we always make this offer at the end of our
videos. We have an hour’s worth of free Charisma Breakdown. Robert Downey happens to be included
in there. It’s part of a course that we actually sell, but you can get this bonus piece right
now, today, for free, no strings attached. Just click the link that I will have here
and sign up. I hope this has been helpful and see you soon
in the next video.

100 thoughts on “Stand Up For Yourself Without Being A Jerk

  1. What was Downey's parting shot after "It's ok" at 8:33? The look on the lighting guy's face at 8:41 says it all.

  2. Joan Calemezzo's Gotcha Dancers would be disappointed with this doofus. Good for RDJ.

  3. the way he worded those questions was a clear attempt to try and ruin rdj's career. what a weak attempt. rdj handled that super fantastically.

  4. The interviewer clearly ignored some uncomfortable moments. I hope he learned a valuable lesson here. He blew it big time 😳

  5. wow you could tell RDJ felt hurt in a way, his eyes…
    looking at that reporter like "dude, really?"
    he agrees to report the movie and dug into RDJ, so unprofessional.

  6. I love his stare after you’re foot is starting to jump statement, so called journalist, what a d-bag

  7. I was annoyed when my ex boss kept calling me by a different name, especially when my name is easy as AJ. But more often than normal, she will call me CJ, EJ, MJ, etc. I feel it's not because she doesn't remember my name, but she's passively aggressively demeaning me and basically showing me she has no respect for me. What do you think?

  8. I've done this with my former boss. It is intimidating standing your ground with a superior. But I let my work speak for itself. And i set a standard of not allowing Toxic behaviour near me. I have my own team now and we wish really well together because we have a minimum standard of behaviour.

  9. I like the video, but I’m tired of the multiple ads. This is getting ridiculous.

  10. Used the stare more than once in my lifetime. Last time i used it was at my workplace. I work in a factory that produces toilets for campers and mobile homes (very exighting, i know) and we were standing by a test bassin to test if the tanks that hold the waste is water and airtight. I accidently splashed a bit of water in the girls face who was standing next to me, she grabbed my sweater, agressivly said "my make-up!" and was well ready to fight me. I just stared back at her, and kept on staring her down even though she was taller than me, not even flinching of backing up, just kept staring in her eyes with a little smile on my face. She let go and backed up.

  11. How do you apply this online when they are trolls? I had a YouTube that created 5 channels of content of zooming in on my leg, thigh, chest then making derogatory comments, constant insults. Eventually, I left my channel behind. The hate was just making already average work/ school life more difficult I didn't need it. It wasn't cowardly, it just wasn't worth it. Thank you for this! You are very articulate and explained this well!! New subbie!

  12. How does someone with an autism spectrum disorder hold strong eye contact? The floor is my eternal BFF.

  13. please…. being a jerk is the only way to tell people off. If you can make someone cry your having a good day! If you can get someone more pissed off than yourself you deserve a damn award! Some times its better not worrying about other peoples feelings and just crushing their dreams so they leave you alone cause they are a walking nightmare you want no part of. Its more rewarding too making enemies over friends cause you dont have to share as much 🙂 good day!

  14. Haha great vid mate and good to see robert, who i like as a person, answering the way he did. Ur right abt the fight or flight modus and i personally would rather have seen Robert stay in rest and digest for the remaining of the interview since the interviewer is sort of entitled to those couple of minutes. The thing with passive aggressiveness or rather ppl who are constantly looking for conflicts is its the way they have programmed themselves due to past experiences and their monkey mind wants to eat… he wants to stay in charge. What they dont know is that u can train urself so that u will get in charge of a apart from the former wonderful tool (ur (monkey) mind). Some ppl though are so lost that before they know it they hear themselves say: "I just like to be stressed out." A Freudian mistake but that is how strong ur monkey mind has become. Indeed the best thing is just to ignore after giving a few warnings.

  15. Those hollywood actors have been groomed since infancy… they've been raped by their own family. THAT is why Downey is breathing so hard. The cannibal club member.

  16. The problem is a lot of people throw out a passive aggressive remark like a drive by shooting, so it’s not a conversation where you have the opportunity to clarify their intent. They make their jab, catch u off guard and then walk off laughing.

  17. Rule # 1. Make sure you are in a good place internally. Maintain a level pride within yourself.

    Rule # 2. Do not allow the pressure from others to force you to act in a way that compromises your self worth, integrity or that will ultimately make you appear as anything less than ideal.

    Most importantly
    Rule # 3. Be comfortable with walking away. Tell yourself that you are not desperate and do not need the negativity in your life. Do not feel obligated to tolerate any wanted behavior.

    Raw Truth # 1. This only works if you have nothing to loose. He didnt need that interview, hes already famous. Some individuals may feel as if they need that interview and will choose the screentime over their self image. This makes them desperate. Someone with little money will put up with their terrible boss. Someone incapable of comfortable independence will never bite the hand that feeds them. Someome in a toxic/abusive relationship may refrain from leaving because they simply cant make it on their own, or feel as if nobody else would ever want them.. The main factor of these situations is usualy money. For whatever reasons, you have to rely on other people in order to proceed through life. Some people truly have an unfair advantage, but more often than not this lack of stability is do to laziness/poor work ethic, no motivation to better ones future, addiction, unwillingness to accept help, terrible values in general or very bad spending habits. Fix the problems within, be true to yourself, do whats right and what will make you a better person so that you will never have to compromise yourself do to lack of choices

  18. How to deal with “Haters”
    Step 1. Understand the difference between haters and criticism.

  19. don't trust anyone that can't look you in the eye when they are talking directly to you.

  20. It is also important that off camera Downey or Marvel would have some publicist or handlers. I think two one slightly to the front left one directly left.

    He is making trying to see if they want to coach something or maybe he is making contact to show he is unhappy and if the publicist would intervene to cut short the interview.

  21. Wow i was like oh cool then i watch it and got some random commentating 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️

  22. That wasn't just a personal attack, it was very poor interviewing. Who is that jerkwater?

  23. This video was the exactly what i need theese days. Very clear and helpful analysis. Thank you 🙂

  24. I've walked away many times, it's my only way as I just can't deal with confrontation

  25. In my life it is a daily occurrence because of what I do. It is finesse and very nuanced. He is quite adept at this. You can also learn from a basketball referee, how they take the coaches and players attitude while maintaining comportment.

  26. I have people messing with my car, would that be passive? Sad behavior in people sometimes

  27. the interview with RDJ's is not the appropriate example for what you're trying to convey in this channel, to walk away from any conversation could not be the right thing to do

  28. Your narration is yelling over the video clip dude. Couldn't you volume level? Esp since you keep pausing louder doesn't make you correct

  29. Unwatchable, due to your LOUD audio level and the clip audio level being considerably lower. Would be much better if you introduced the topic l, played the clip in full, then deconstructed it. As they do in academic settings. I want to watch it but you pausing it then essentially yelling, is unbearable.

  30. I thought this gave me a pretty good idea on how to deal with people who are trying to get a negative reaction out of me. Usually I'd just look away and say something about them, but now I know how to avoid situations like that, and I'll try to remember the steps you showed in the video.
    Thanks a bunch! Really helped.

  31. Can you explain why this was a "passive aggressive attack?"

    Why do you project into the interviewer's intent? On a different day, it might have turned into a heartfelt exchange about fathers, drugs, rehab, and politics.

    You assume that the interviewer wanted to "get a rise" out of RDJ, but maybe the interviewer was looking for a connection.

    RDJ looked either really tired, or like he may have fallen a bit off the bandwagon, so some of those questions could have really triggered him. An answer like "recovery can be a really tough process Krishnan, and if anyone out there is struggling, i urge you to get the help you need" might have helped steer the interview in a happy and healthy direction.

    The interviewer seemed to try to compare RDJ as a person — to a superhero — I mean isn't that leading with a compliment?

    The interview went wrong, and it was the interviewer's job to take some risks and to go for challenging questions. The interviewer also tried to make clear: "I've done my homework," which actually could have come across as a sign of respect, but in this interview RDJ experienced it as prying and overstepping boundaries.

    To use this interview as an example of "passive aggressive attack," I think does warrant some explanation. Don't you have to assume the interviewer's intent and conclude that his intentions were malicious? Where is the "attack" part when the interviewer tries to connect on past hardship? RDJ said "it's getting too Diane Sawyery in here" or something like that — and he likely thought it was a quick movie promo interview — and he looked super tired.

    Just cuz the interview went south does not mean the interviewer was passive-aggressively "attacking" RDJ. Isn't that over the top? RDJ left and i'm kind of surprised the interview is available publicly. It speaks to RDJ's strength as a person that he didn't just have his staff rescind airing rights. Maybe it was live…

    Personally, I am a big fan of RDJ and respect not only what he has been able to accomplish — but what he's pulled himself through as well. If he chooses to allow more personal interviews, I honestly feel like I would learn a lot from watching them.

  32. I think I saw his eyes glisten and they we're getting redder.
    I also think he was repressing his anger.
    It's like a a person has acknowledged his mistake and doesn't need that episode in his life resurrected and in public too.
    That interviewer was compelled to do his job most uncomfortably, with the director behind him.

  33. For anyone wondering, this guy is called Krishnan Guru-Murthy from the Channel 4 News. His interview with Richard Ayoade is precious, Richard dodged him beautifully.

  34. You can tell how I handle conflict by the way I had to pause the video 500 times to prepare for the next LITERAL MOMENT OF PAIN.

  35. i had done that with my girlfriend quite a few times. she displays exactly what you are talking about. and i play it cool like Downey Jr.

  36. Krishnan Guru-Murthy is a button pusher, his intent is to alienate and he's about as subtle as an aircraft carrier group. Robert isn't the first celebrity to abandon his interview because of this.

  37. This is some excellent analysis, I work in commercial real estate and people who get accusatorial or lose their temper really mess things things up…remain calm, choose your words carefully and make sure everyone understands you clearly.

  38. Robert Downey Jr. Is Iron man & you're not English Journalist dude! Anyway this is a very helpful YouTube that we can all benefit from. I think most of us don't want to be manipulated by others but have an answer or approach to avoid that without stooping down to their level. Thanks for sharing this!

  39. Random comic book nerd with a Youtube channel who has never even remotely entertained the idea of taking a class on reading body language: "So when Robert Downey Jr turns his face this way, it means that —"

  40. the fault(robert)makes is robert the takes the hit, he is not offensive diplomatic, witch will shitface the black guy, take em,out with words, good story go on love it

  41. The look from the guy in the white shirt at the end is priceless. He even made himself big lol.

  42. What if the one being passive aggressive is not looking at me while talking, then I'm just sitting there looking at them. Until I flip out at them.

  43. I'm actually surprised a passive aggressive, a true one…would ever seek to go on the offensive, as opposed to…the counter-offensive .. ;o

  44. You have as much time as anyone else. He didn’t ask about time thou.. reframe the question and answer question that have not been asked , like a statement.. pure genius 🙌🏾🔥

  45. Sorry , I meant ' CONVERTED TO CHRISTIANITY ' and not covered to., in my previous comments, earlier on.

  46. WOW!!! So rude!! He intentionally ignores the signals because he has a side agenda which is to dig into Robert's past!

  47. I actually found this very uncomfortable to watch. The interviewer is Krishnan Guru Murphy and I normally have a lot of respect for him in interviews, but this was just rude.

  48. I needed this right now. In the past I been jerky now I know how to deal with these situations. Thankyou for sharing

  49. I sincerely hope he was fired!! How dare you try to go toe to toe with Ironman!! 🙂
    BTW, anyone as 'peeved,'as I, that they killed of the best freakin Avenger!! 

    Seriously though, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, you're a jerk; Robert is a great indicator that our past does not define us! Way to go RDJ!

  50. You'd HAVE to be RDJr to charismatically pull this off AND to be in a one on one situation. Aggressive "passive" aggressiveness has been pretty harsh for me. Especially where I can't really react passively or not and never face to face or one on one. Getting your bbuttons pushed constantly by random people in familiar and similar ways it's exhausting and my "humanness" is not made out of iron, so when my humanity is repeatedly tested, I can show I'm only human.

  51. I realize just how late I am, but:

    I have this coworker who’s hell-bent on trying to have more power over me, but I used all the advice in this video in my last conversation with that coworker and completely shut them down and stopped them dead in their tracks. I will continue to watch and use this daily, and I am just grateful for this video and your channel is just awesome, man

  52. I love these so much, they're so helpful for being a decent person when we may not have been taught how to do these things! My only suggestion is to put the recap points up on the screen so it can sink in really well. It helps drive the point home & helps visual people. Again, thanks SO MUCH for what you do!

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